We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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