yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
