apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
this is an emotional support booty call
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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