I wish my penis had an off switch
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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