I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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