pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
