There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
