"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
