Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
