I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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