dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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