I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
