im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
