I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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