This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
