Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
