Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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