Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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