I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
