Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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