Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
