The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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