her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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