mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
