if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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