I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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