She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
