I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
