I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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