Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The struggles of a small town man whore
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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