i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
