Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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