you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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