It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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