You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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