I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
