He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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