That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
