I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
