I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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