The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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