he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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