I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize