I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Is it penis luge time yet?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
