how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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