The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
now i know why i became what i already was.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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