So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
