I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
