I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
A+ Viking dick
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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