I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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