the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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