im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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