Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So many bounce houses so little time
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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