my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
