I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
