the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
