I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
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