well I can't set my house on fire every night
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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