I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
well you can't waste a boner
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
