she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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