I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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